Being Vulnerable Within Community

“It seems nearly impossible to truly listen to a story from the soul of another and not be moved by it. Our stories connect us to each other; they change us and the relationship. That makes dialogue risky and frightening….but if we use ‘dialogue’ simply as a code word for ‘change your mind’…suspicion is an appropriate response. Some of us forget that it is possible to truly listen, understand, respect, and empathize without accepting as one’s own the views of the other.”

Carolyn Schrock-Shenk  - professor of peace,

justice, and conflict studies at Goshen College

Appreciating The Beauty

My suitcase bumped along the uneven sidewalks as I made my way up to the entrance to the majestic Franciscan Spiritual Retreat Center in Philadelphia on one of the most gorgeous fall days I can remember. The leaves were boasting in all of their glory as the late autumn sunshine sparkled through the trees like jewels. It occurred to me, as I slowed my steps to take in this loveliness, that God was somehow setting the tone for the weekend. There is such grand beauty in His creation if we will slow down and recognize it. If we would simply drink it in without attaching anything other to it.

 Was it possible to simply appreciate the diverse colors of the leaves without lamenting the fact that winter’s chill would be fast approaching? Could I simply be present right here, right now and feel grateful to be human? Grateful to have the privilege to just be here, now, without expectation or agenda or preconceived notions about the people I was about to meet? Was it possible to see and to know people simply as beloved children of God without attaching any other label or expectation to them? Could I see myself with such freedom, grace and wonder?

I Am Out Of My League!

 I had been invited, by Kristyn Komarnicki, editor of Prisim Magazine (Christians For Social Action), along with 11 other Christians of various sexual orientations and theological position, to engage in a 3 day dialogue entitled “Oriented to Love”  I was expectant, honored & humbled to have been invited as a very average mom among these ‘elite.’  There were published writers, scientists, professors and biblical scholars, pastors, world travelers and ministry leaders.  I had been looking forward to meeting my fellow dialoguers but, as I approached the stately retreat center, I felt out of my league and began to doubt that I would have anything much to bring to the party.

I love God’s word, It instructs me, comforts and challenges me.  It is life giving but also curiously mysterious and some times confusing. I wrestle with it and study it regularly but a bible scholar I am not!  I have engaged and wrestled with the topic of faith and sexual identity for several years. Though I lean toward the traditional as far as faith convictions, my thoughts on how Jesus would have me live out those convictions are often fluid and misty. I wondered if I was going to be asked to give an exegesis on my theology of this subject. I wasn’t entirely convinced I would be up to the task in the presence of these folks whom I saw as the ‘movers and shakers' and who no doubt were able to express themselves more succinctly than I.

In fact, the only ‘moving and shaking’ I sensed within myself was in my knees and my gut as I walked through the massive oak doors of this historic convent. Along with my poorly packed suitcase which had all manner of socks, hair dryer cords, P.J.’s and such poking out here and there, I carried an invisible burden with me, a sense of guardedness and low grade insecurity. I did my best to keep it hidden behind a cheerful smile and outgoing personality. But I wondered if Kristyn may have made a mistake in counting me among this impressive and diverse group. I wondered if they would accept this average conservative Mom, would they even like me? 

The Struggle With Vulnerability

The realization that this discussion about sexuality and faith was actually taking place in a convent mildly amused me. I am familiar with things of the Spirit, reverence for God and His word is a big part of who I am. This place was comfortable for me. But I wondered if others felt more threatened than comfortable?  I have not personally had the experience of being wounded by the church or God’s word. Challenged? Absolutely. Convicted?  Yep. Irritated? A little. But never wounded.  I had heard the stories of others. Stores of too many of my gay brothers and sisters (and their parents) choosing to leave or, sadly, being asked to leave their church communities due to “irreconcilable differences” involving separate stances on sexuality and God’s design for it.  I wondered if any of my gay dialogue team mates were having difficulty being in these religious surroundings to undertake this sharing time. Did the setting seem as surreal to them as it did to me?  Did they also wonder if I would accept them? If I would like them?

As I put away my suitcase and got ready for dinner where I would  officially meet the other dialogue participants, I recognized a sense of underlying dread piling on to my already anxious heart.  Was it too late to bail?   I was about to willingly allow strangers to ask questions about my faith convictions, experiences and ideas. I was handing over the scalpel of vulnerability to 12 people I had never met and authorizing them to probe freely around my heart. Incredible!  The fear of being shamed or judged for my traditional faith position felt ominous to me. I sat down on my bed and focused on the beautiful view from my window, I asked for Jesus to calm my heart and  it dawned on me that my gay brothers and sisters were probably experiencing these very same fears for the beliefs they embraced.  So I prayed for all of us.

The truth is, I struggle with vulnerability in areas far easier to talk about than sexuality. Too often I choose the safety of silence rather than to risk being fully known and risk rejection. The bravery of my daughter and so many Christians who have come out at the great risk of abandonment from their families and their churches is not lost on me.   I prayed that I would not become mute from cowardice or confusion. I prayed that my ears and heart would be open to truly hear and to receive the rare jewels hidden within the stories that we would share with each other.  I so wanted to be brave.

Kristyn had carefully prepared us for months before we arrived via weekly email assignments. Some of these included becoming familiar with the bios of the other participants, reading assignments, sharing our core beliefs, fears, hopes and difficult questions for the weekend. We were all required to gather a personal prayer team who would intercede for us and for the weekend. We were charged to pray and fast for the others who join us in this dialogue during the weeks that lead up to our meeting.

A Peek Into Authentic Community!

This spiritual preparation was fully evident as we sat down to dinner together that first night. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit as we entered into the weekend of dialogue with the simple everyday experience of pulling up to the table to share a meal. Here, at the table, we shared community. Together, at the table, elbow to elbow, my fears and anxieties quickly melted as we shared and listened, ate and laughed together with no expectations other than to enjoy a meal together and to discover the things we had in common. Hunger (and not just physical hunger) Weariness (and not just from traveling) and a Love of Christ and His church (and not just from the viewpoint of one faith tradition or denomination) We had all come with a desire to enter into the gutsy work of building community, seeking unity and sowing love within the broken body of Christ.

As I looked around at our little group that first night,  I no longer saw gay people, straight people, magazine editors, theologians, pastors, famous bloggers, professors and published authors anymore…I saw a beautiful assortment of interesting people. Each of us coming  to offer an amazing  gift to God and to each other. The gift of our hearts and hurts and the stories of our varied journeys with Christ.  I saw a glimpse of the family of God.

  And, It all began by simply pulling up together at the table.  Join us...we'll make room.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.

Colossians 3:13