“It seems nearly impossible to truly listen to a story from
the soul of another and not be moved by it. Our stories connect us to each
other; they change us and the relationship. That makes dialogue risky and
frightening….but if we use ‘dialogue’ simply as a code word for ‘change your
mind’…suspicion is an appropriate response. Some of us forget that it is
possible to truly listen, understand, respect, and empathize without accepting
as one’s own the views of the other.”
Carolyn Schrock-Shenk
- professor of peace,
justice, and conflict studies at Goshen College
Appreciating The Beauty
My suitcase bumped along the uneven sidewalks as I made my
way up to the entrance to the majestic
Franciscan Spiritual Retreat Center in
Philadelphia on one of the most gorgeous fall days I can remember. The leaves
were boasting in all of their glory as the late autumn sunshine sparkled
through the trees like jewels. It occurred to me, as I slowed my steps to take
in this loveliness, that God was somehow setting the tone for the weekend.
There is such grand beauty in His creation if we will slow down and recognize
it. If we would simply drink it in without attaching anything other to it.
Was it possible to
simply appreciate the diverse colors of the leaves without lamenting the fact
that winter’s chill would be fast approaching? Could I simply be present right
here, right now and feel grateful to be human? Grateful to have the privilege to
just be here, now, without expectation or agenda or preconceived notions about
the people I was about to meet? Was it possible to see and to know people
simply as beloved children of God without attaching any other label or
expectation to them? Could I see myself with such freedom, grace and wonder?
I had been invited,
by Kristyn Komarnicki, editor of Prisim Magazine (Christians For Social
Action), along with 11 other Christians of various sexual orientations and
theological position, to engage in a 3 day dialogue entitled “Oriented to
Love” I was expectant, honored &
humbled to have been invited as a very average mom among these ‘elite.’ There were published writers, scientists,
professors and biblical scholars, pastors, world travelers and ministry leaders. I had been looking forward to meeting my
fellow dialoguers but, as I approached the stately retreat center, I felt out
of my league and began to doubt that I would have anything much to bring to the
party.
I love God’s word, It instructs me, comforts and challenges
me. It is life giving but also curiously
mysterious and some times confusing. I wrestle with it and study it regularly
but a bible scholar I am not! I have
engaged and wrestled with the topic of faith and sexual identity for several
years. Though I lean toward the traditional as far as faith convictions, my
thoughts on how Jesus would have me live out those convictions are often fluid
and misty. I wondered if I was going to be asked to give an exegesis on my
theology of this subject. I wasn’t entirely convinced I would be up to the task
in the presence of these folks whom I saw as the ‘movers and shakers' and who
no doubt were able to express themselves more succinctly than I.
In fact, the only ‘moving and shaking’ I sensed within myself
was in my knees and my gut as I walked through the massive oak doors of this
historic convent. Along with my poorly packed suitcase which had all manner of
socks, hair dryer cords, P.J.’s and such poking out here and there, I carried
an invisible burden with me, a sense of guardedness and low grade insecurity. I
did my best to keep it hidden behind a cheerful smile and outgoing personality.
But I wondered if Kristyn may have made a mistake in counting me among this
impressive and diverse group. I wondered if they would accept this average
conservative Mom, would they even like me?
The Struggle With Vulnerability
The realization that this discussion about sexuality and
faith was actually taking place in a convent mildly amused me. I am familiar
with things of the Spirit, reverence for God and His word is a big part of who
I am. This place was comfortable for me. But I wondered if others felt more
threatened than comfortable? I have not
personally had the experience of being wounded by the church or God’s word.
Challenged? Absolutely. Convicted? Yep.
Irritated? A little. But never wounded.
I had heard the stories of others. Stores of too many of my gay brothers
and sisters (and their parents) choosing to leave or, sadly, being asked to
leave their church communities due to “irreconcilable differences” involving
separate stances on sexuality and God’s design for it. I wondered if any of my gay dialogue team
mates were having difficulty being in these religious surroundings to undertake
this sharing time. Did the setting seem as surreal to them as it did to
me? Did they also wonder if I would
accept them? If I would like them?
As I put away my suitcase and got ready for dinner where I
would officially meet the other dialogue
participants, I recognized a sense of underlying dread piling on to my already
anxious heart. Was it too late to
bail? I was about to willingly allow
strangers to ask questions about my faith convictions, experiences and ideas. I
was handing over the scalpel of vulnerability to 12 people I had never met and
authorizing them to probe freely around my heart. Incredible! The fear of being shamed or judged for my
traditional faith position felt ominous to me. I sat down on my bed and focused
on the beautiful view from my window, I asked for Jesus to calm my heart
and it dawned on me that my gay brothers
and sisters were probably experiencing these very same fears for the beliefs
they embraced. So I prayed for all of
us.
The truth is, I struggle with vulnerability in areas far
easier to talk about than sexuality. Too often I choose the safety of silence
rather than to risk being fully known and risk rejection. The bravery of my
daughter and so many Christians who have come out at the great risk of
abandonment from their families and their churches is not lost on me. I prayed that I would not become mute from
cowardice or confusion. I prayed that my ears and heart would be open to truly
hear and to receive the rare jewels hidden within the stories that we would
share with each other. I so wanted to be
brave.
Kristyn had carefully prepared us for months before we
arrived via weekly email assignments. Some of these included becoming familiar
with the bios of the other participants, reading assignments, sharing our core
beliefs, fears, hopes and difficult questions for the weekend. We were all
required to gather a personal prayer team who would intercede for us and for
the weekend. We were charged to pray and fast for the others who join us in
this dialogue during the weeks that lead up to our meeting.
A Peek Into Authentic Community!
This spiritual preparation was fully evident as we sat down
to dinner together that first night. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit as
we entered into the weekend of dialogue with the simple everyday experience of
pulling up to the table to share a meal. Here, at the table, we shared
community. Together, at the table, elbow to elbow, my fears and anxieties
quickly melted as we shared and listened, ate and laughed together with no
expectations other than to enjoy a meal together and to discover the things we
had in common. Hunger (and not just physical hunger) Weariness (and not just
from traveling) and a Love of Christ and His church (and not just from the
viewpoint of one faith tradition or denomination) We had all come with a desire
to enter into the gutsy work of building community, seeking unity and sowing
love within the broken body of Christ.
As I looked around at our little group that first
night, I no longer saw gay people,
straight people, magazine editors, theologians, pastors, famous bloggers,
professors and published authors anymore…I saw a beautiful assortment of
interesting people. Each of us coming to
offer an amazing gift to God and to each
other. The gift of our hearts and hurts and the stories of our varied journeys
with Christ. I saw a glimpse of the
family of God.
And, It all began by
simply pulling up together at the table.
Join us...we'll make room.
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may
have against one another.
Colossians 3:13
